


On Dreaming

by elissanerdwriter



Series: Critrole Relationships Week [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Past Character Death, Spoilers for Final Arc, There's so many of them, critrole rsweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 14:50:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14956700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elissanerdwriter/pseuds/elissanerdwriter
Summary: Cass sighed. “There’s something else, and I probably should have told you a while ago.”Vex smoothed her sleeves down until she was holding both her hands. “What is it?”“I had a dream about Vax. He told me he would get in contact with my family for me, and I gave him some messages. I know it was just a dream, but it felt so vivid, and I just… I desperately want him to bring me the responses. I feel so silly, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m indulging myself or because of what I said. It’s just making me more tired than usual, that’s all.”Vex looked down at their clasped hands. “You think he actually visited you? In your dream?”“Do you dream of him?” Cass asked gently.The corners of Vex’s mouth twitched up into a very sad smile. “All the time, darling."





	On Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> Day 1 of Critical Role Relationships Week: Cassandra & Vax'ildan
> 
> Set after Campaign 1, so spoilers for much of the final arc (and also for the Briarwood arc, obviously). I spent all my prep time writing this, so it's very long and unedited (except by AO3 user horationelson so thank her for that) and I'll be spending the rest of the week trying to catch up on all the other fics I have planned. Pray to the Raven Queen so she won't take me away.

Cassandra didn’t get to see Vax'ildan often. In her memories, it only took a few months after Vex'ahlia and Perciva; returned to Whitestone before his face started blending with his sister’s, her constant presence superseding Cass’s initial interest in the rogue. Eventually all she could recall of him was his more mischievous smile, the beads strung into his hair, and the daggers he wore. She felt a sting of guilt on days when she could see Vex was struggling— especially when the Lady gave in to constant questioning about her birthday and let them throw her a small party every year. Cass knew what it was to have that constant knowledge that someone was missing from her life. She’d been living with it for almost a decade. She only wished she could give her something back, to make those days a little bit easier.

It was on that birthday, a year later, when the first raven appeared. They had nearly finished with dinner and the kitchen was setting the final details on the cake when Cass saw Vex stiffen out of the corner of her eye, the half-elf’s gaze latched on something past the window.

Cass caught Percival’s eye and his brow furrowed. “Dear, are you alright?”

Vex was already standing, pushing her chair back without taking her eyes off the window. “Percy. Percy, look.”

Percival craned his neck to follow her line of sight and Cass could hear his breath catch. Suddenly they were both speaking in low murmurs. “Do you think it’s—”

“I don’t know, I wasn’t sure he could come back.”

“Could be a coincidence?”

“But it’s our birthday, Percy. I don’t….”

Vex trailed off as she walked towards the window, leaning on the sill with both hands. After a moment, she slowly raised one finger to tap, shakily, on the glass.

Cass heard a loud  _ caw! _ from the lawn and both Percy and Vex burst into relieved laughter. Vex finally looked away, smiling down at the two rings on her splayed left hand. Percy came up behind her, sliding an arm around her waist while waving cheerily at the big black bird in the tree, and Cass felt a low, dull thud in her stomach. Why couldn’t anyone she loved come back for a brief little visit?

 

That night, she laid on her side in bed, staring out into the dark chamber. She could barely make out the tapestry of her family tree on the opposite wall, a bit torn from intentional mishandling. She’d become wearily accustomed to the hours of lying awake in dread that led into the nightmares every night, but that certainly didn’t make it any more enjoyable. Breathing slowly, she rolled onto her back and thought heavily,  _ It simply isn’t fair. Not that I begrudge her that happiness, especially not on her birthday. But it’s still not fair. All I wanted was to say goodbye. Tell them I loved them. Since we never did that much in life, the fools we were. _

She fell asleep eventually, arms crossed over her chest. Almost immediately her eyes opened on a dark chamber, black stone walls rising to a stained-glass ceiling with almost no light spilling through it. In the center of the floor was a flat plane of deep red, completely still— she could only tell that it was a liquid because someone was sitting on the edge, legs dangling motionless in the pool, completely clad in black. Uneasiness settling in her chest, Cass stepped out of the doorway— glancing behind herself quickly to find that it led into nothing but darkness, the floor vanishing.

The figure didn’t move, but a voice rose like it was coming from every part of the room at once. “Lady Cassandra de Rolo. Fantastic seeing you again. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it sooner.”

Finally, the head turned to face her and she saw none other than Vax’ildan, his hair drawn back loosely into a ponytail, armor adorned with iridescent black feathers covering him. For a moment she almost thought him a strange version of Vex, with a harder jaw and that smile, beads now dimly visible in his hair. Cass rested her fingertips on the cool, damp stone, watching him.

“I trust you’ve been keeping my sister and Freddy in line?”

“Of course,” Cass replied, and her voice came out smoother than she might have expected. “They seem to be doing fine. Worse without you, I suppose.”

His slight smile faltered and suddenly he looked very different from Vex— much older, his brow creased more heavily despite the strange glow that seemed to light his skin from underneath. She suddenly felt a feeling of vertigo, like outside the walls of the chamber was a vastness that would lose her instantly. Had he been here for all these years? Did time pass the same here?

He looked down at his hands, then pushed himself to his feet. The disturbance sent barely two ripples across the pool, and when Cass pulled her eyes away he was already standing beside her.

“I’ve only just been able to reach out to… anyone. I figured our birthday was as good a time as any.”

“They seemed to appreciate it,” Cass said softly.

“That’s not why I’m talking to you, though,” Vax said, leaning on the wall and crossing his arms. “Those two aren’t the only ones who’ve been having a difficult time, are they? How have you been, Cassandra?”

Cass blinked. “Fine.”

“I’m hurt.” Vax laid a hand against his chest, faking a pout. “I brought you all the way here. The least you can do is tell me your troubles.”

“They haven’t exactly changed much,” Cass said bitterly. “By all accounts, everything in Whitestone is doing much better. Including me, I guess.”

“You were expecting a nightmare. I can feel it.” He tapped his sternum and crossed his arms again.

“Yes? I have nightmares every night. I’m sure Percy does too, and Vex, and whoever else. You probably do— did.”

“I don’t sleep much anymore.” His chin tipped down so he could look at her closer. “You never really got the closure we got, did you? I’m sorry about that.”

“Well, sometimes there’s not much one can do,” Cass said. “Were you this retrospective— before? I seem to recall your sister being the more sympathetic one.”

“She was. I figure if you spend all your time escorting people out from their lives and you don’t have one to go back to yourself, you spend a lot of time thinking about their lives and a lot of time thinking about your own.”

Sighing, Cass mirrored his posture against the wall, hugging herself. “That’s how I felt the first few months after Whitestone was restored. I spent all day helping other people sort out whatever the Briarwoods had done to them, and then at night I’d feel like nothing was changing for me. At least I had a lot of time to spend trying to sort out my memories.”

Vax nodded, looking down at the mosaic floor. After a long moment, he said, “I have… a proposition for you.”

Cass looked up at him, eyebrows raised. He’d hardly spoken to her before, let alone asked after her feelings, let alone offered her something. “Yes?”

“I cannot resolve any of your pain. I cannot bring anyone back for you, nor for Percival. However. If there are any words you feel were left… unsaid, any messages you’d wish to pass on, I can find the recipients. And I may be able to bring a response.” Standing up straight, he settled his hands on her shoulders and looked her firmly in the eyes. “I know that something that haunted both Vex and I for years was never being able to say goodbye to our mother. I would imagine that pain is similar for you.”

Cass held his gaze for a second, then quickly wiped her eyes. Strangely, even the thought of being able to say goodbye to her mother and father and all her siblings, however indirectly, made something release in her chest that she didn’t even know she’d been holding so tightly. Tipping her head back against the wall, she took a few steadying breaths, trying to compose her thoughts. What could she say?  _ My dear brothers and sisters, I am sorry I never really got to know you on account of my being quite young when you were murdered. Everything is going well here, I no longer daily wish I was dead with you. _ No, that wouldn’t do.

She looked back down at Vax. “Thank you… very much.” Her voice cracked and she cleared it carefully. “If you could find my siblings and tell them that… that I love them very much, and Whitestone feels very empty without them. Tell them that Percival and I are doing our best to replicate all the bickering that went on. Oh, and—” She started laughing, softly. “Tell them that Whitney was always my favorite, because she used to sneak me biscuits and other things from the kitchens when I was upset.”

He grinned briefly, nodding. “Can do.”

“And tell my parents…” She bit her lip. “Tell them that Percival and I are doing the best we can in a position we never expected to find ourselves in, let alone so soon. We’ll keep working in their legacy. And I miss them so, so much.”

Her voice went up slowly until the last word, which caught and wavered between them. Cass put her hand against the dark stone, the tears that had been pricking her eyes spilling down her cheeks. Within a moment she’d let out a loud sob and clasped her hand over her mouth, quickly.

She didn’t see Vax move, but suddenly his arms were around her, one hand rubbing her back. “Shhhhh. You can cry here,” he murmured. “You haven’t ever had the chance to mourn them, really. And there are so many burdens on you. Just cry. Just let it out. I know that they are so  _ proud _ of you.”

“I just feel so selfish,” Cass gasped. “Everyone lost people.”

“And so did you. It still hurts, and it always will, but it will be so much worse if you mix guilt into it. Be a little selfish. You have as much time as you need.”

Cass had no idea how long she stood in Vax’s arms, sobbing. Crying for a childhood she’d lost. Crying for siblings she’d never know, parents who’d never hold her again. Crying for a home that had been spoiled for her, all her happiness there ruined with years of pain. Crying for her brother, who left her and ran and ran and ran. Crying for Vex, who was in Whitestone with the man she loved and still missing so much. Crying for herself, for everything she still had to do, every nightmare she’d still have to suffer, every day that would still feel awful and long, every moment she’d spend hating herself for things she never could control. Crying for Vax, taken away from everyone he loved to serve a distant god. Crying. Crying. Crying.

Abruptly, Cass woke up in her bed, the sheets laid out neatly around her like she hadn’t moved once. Even her nightmares tended to lose detail quickly, but every word of her conversation with Vax, every aspect of the room, came back to her with no effort. Exhaling slowly, she sat up, moving the sheets aside with unusual ease. Getting up was a lot less daunting when her sheets weren’t soaked with sweat and tangled around her legs.

Of course, she had to put the encounter off as a particularly vivid and benevolent dream brought on by the raven’s visit the day before. Nevertheless, something both relieving and painful had settled deep in her gut, tugging at her. She wouldn’t let herself admit that she was waiting for responses, but she dreamed of their faces more often, and sometimes Vax showed up in the skies of her nightmares, the brush of dark-feathered wings behind him as he watched her sadly.

 

It was a few weeks. She still had terrible dreams almost every night, and the disappointment when she’d wake up thrashing was almost more crushing than the fear itself. Eventually Vex asked after her, catching her furrowed brow and conversing that was even brusquer than usual.

“Darling, you seem concerned. It’s not the Marquesan diplomat, is it? I can really take that meeting alone if you need me to.”

Cass sighed, trying in vain to tuck a few loose strands of hair into her updo. “No— well, not entirely. It would make my life easier if you did. But there’s something else, and I probably should have told you a while ago.”

Vex reached out to help her, then smoothed her sleeves down until she was holding both her hands. “What is it?”

“I had a dream about Vax. He told me he would get in contact with my family for me, and I gave him some messages. I know it was just a dream, but it felt so vivid, and I just… I desperately want him to bring me the responses. I feel so silly, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m indulging myself or because of what I said. It’s just making me more tired than usual, that’s all.”

Vex looked down at their clasped hands. “You think he actually visited you? In your dream?”

“Do you dream of him?” Cass asked gently.

The corners of Vex’s mouth twitched up into a very sad smile. “All the time, darling. But his face started getting mixed up and I… I couldn’t bear it. I got Keyleth to help me mix up something for dreamless sleep.” Suddenly, her face twisted into a look of horror. “Oh, darling, I’m so sorry. I should have offered it to you the day I thought of it. I know you need it much more than I do.”

It did sting a little, to know the solution was that easy, but Cass also had a feeling that her nightmares wouldn’t be stifled that easily. “It’s alright, Vex, I know you would have. Do you think he ever… actually visited you?”

“I’d considered it at first, but I couldn’t hold on to it and stay present day to day. I suppose I understand where you’re coming from there. And many of the dreams were… less than pleasant, so I’d prefer to think he had no involvement in them— the real him, anyways.”

Cass used their hands to pull her into a hug, something she was still working on gifting freely. “I know how that feels, of course. Well… I don’t know, maybe you should try one night and see if you get anything. Just so you know, one way or the other.”

Vex looked at her fondly, her smile growing to something more genuine. “I’m a bit worried that I’ll keep making excuses and never get a good night’s sleep again, but thank you for telling me, darling. It’s some comfort to know he might be looking out for you, too.”

That night, Cass spent a little extra time getting ready for bed. She didn’t completely know why, but she used a bit of the fragrant soap she saved for occasions and spent several minutes brushing her hair out and braiding it out of the way. Feeling a little ridiculous, she caught her own eye in the mirror and said firmly, “If no one’s there, no one’s there. That is it.”

She laid awake for a while, though she was surprisingly calm— not even that excited. Eventually she drifted off and opened her eyes in the dark temple, exactly as she’d imagined it. Vax was standing on the side of the pool, looking at her with a bit of that playful grin. “Thank you for telling my sister about the dream. I’ve been trying to get to her for ages, but except for certain days it’s hard to take control of the dream. She was delighted to see me.”

“How does this work?” Cass asked. “All this… showing up in my dreams. Is it always really you, even in the nightmares?”

His brow furrowed and he looked down at the pool, studying it like he could see something other than his reflection. “I don’t really know. I have a lot of duties, but the way time works… doesn’t always make sense. Sometimes I just get the sense that one of you, someone I knew before, is closer to me, and it’s usually in sleep. If someone is unconscious I can get that much closer, but that hasn’t happened since most of you stopped adventuring. But if you aren’t completely open to it… sometimes all I can do is watch. I hate it, but it means I can see my sister, and Keyleth, and all the rest of you. It’s not as good as this, though.”

So it was real, Cass realized. And she was dreaming. Usually she couldn’t tell that until she’d woken up. She moved to stand across from him, a few feet back from the edge of the pool. “I hope you can reach out to Vex soon.”

His smile changed into something more wistful, almost childlike and painfully hopeful. “I’m hoping tonight. I can feel her, she’s much closer than usual. But I have your responses, so I figured I owed you the first visit.”

“Took you long enough,” Cass said, carefully managing her tone to make sure it didn’t sound too accusative.

He actually looked shocked. “Oh. How long has it been?”

Brow furrowing, she thought back. “I don’t know. About a month?”

“I am so very sorry. I had no idea, I went to speak to them immediately. I really thought it had only been a few nights at most. I told you, time is weird here. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting things out of order. It’s… it’s a bit concerning, if I think about it too hard.” Vax’s hand went to his belt, like he was looking for something familiar. “I’m sorry, Cassie.”

“It’s alright,” she said gently. “I’m just glad to get anything.”

He cleared his throat and reached into a pocket of his cloak to pull out a scrap of parchment. “To make sure I didn’t mix anything up. You’ve got a lot of family, milady.”

She smiled mildly, but her heart was hammering in her chest. This was real. She was hearing from her family. They had listened, and even written back.

“Vesper says she always knew Whitney was a bit of a troublemaker, though she wasn’t expecting you to have joined in. Oliver and Ludwig both said she should have known, since you were the youngest and absolutely spoiled. Julius says he’s sorry that you’ve had to take on a responsibility that should have been passed down to him and then through everyone else before it reached you. They all say they miss you, and they hope you’re doing okay. Vesper added that she hopes you’ll reach out again in a few years to tell them if there’s any beaus you’ve brought in to take up space, and maybe a few new little ones to make things properly noisy. Whitney says to give you a hug from her, and to tell you to hug everyone you see. She always thought that was a ridiculous taboo anyways.” Vax glanced up at her to find her with a hand covering her wide smile and tears streaming down her face. “I agree with her. She’s a lot of fun.”

Cass could only nod.

He flipped the paper over. “As for your parents. Your mother said she misses you very much and she loves you forever and ever, and that she is very proud of how strong you’ve been. She’s sorry you had to go through so much, and she has a number of improper things she would do to Delilah Briarwood if she ever found her.” He seemed to feel Cass’s surprise from across the room and laughed softly. “I’m guessing that’s not the mother you were familiar with.

“Your father also says he is very proud of you for bringing Whitestone back from ruin, and he has heard of the way you’ve changed the government. He isn’t sure he agrees with your choice, but he trusts you, Percival, and the new Lady of Whitestone to manage it appropriately. He did not specifically say that he loves you, but I think it’s pretty heavily implied.”

Vax tucked the paper away as he walked around the pool, silently. Cass didn’t move, the raging loneliness and joy and fear and misery feeling as though they would tear her apart if she so much as breathed too deeply. Once again, his arms wrapped around her shoulders. She leaned into his armored chest, trying not to let the fantasy that she was being held by one of her brothers take hold too strongly. Finally, she composed herself enough to whisper, “Thank you, Vax.”

He looked down at her, expression inscrutable. “Of course, Cass. If you ever want to contact them again, I’ll do my best. Though apparently the timing might be off by the time I get back to you.”

She was already shaking her head, reaching around his arms to wipe her eyes and nose. “No, this was fine. More than fine. Wonderful. I could never thank you enough. I just needed to say… something. Given a reason, I may follow Vesper’s advice, still.”

There was a pause. “Which one is that again?”

She let out a teary laugh. “The oldest sister. She’s the only one interested in my future prospects, apparently.”

He squeezed her once and let go, turning her to study her face. Cass got another pang, like she was looking at a brother she’d almost forgotten she had. “Got it. I’ll do my best to be a punctual messenger, then.”

“I’ll let you go find Vex, then,” she said, reveling in the sudden lightness in her chest as she walked towards the door to the chamber. “Though if I may place one more request…”

She trailed off, debating. He watched for a moment, then raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”

Giving in, she sighed and leaned one hand on the doorframe. “Ask Percival. I don’t know if he’ll want to right away, but I think he’s… changed… enough that he might be willing to reach out. I think it would be good for him. I think it’s been good for me.”

Vax just nodded, watching her with sad eyes. Cass gave him a nod, stepped through the door, and woke up in her bed, smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it (mostly)! Comments and kudos are always appreciated, and you can find me on Tumblr @elissanerdwriter. The schedule for my generated pairings for the rest of the week is:  
> Sunday: Cassandra & Vax'ildan  
> Monday: Kima & Tary  
> Tuesday: Keyleth & Gilmore  
> Wednesday: Yasha & Molly  
> Thursday: Vex &/ Zahra  
> Friday: Zahra & Gilmore  
> Saturday: Pike & Trinket


End file.
